"How poor are they that have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees?
-William Shakespeare
Apparently I am a poor person because I do not have patience. I have never had patience. I try. I actually try very hard sometimes. Genetics is my scapegoat. My father is not a patient person. When we went somewhere he would just walk. If you did not keep up you got left behind. He had no patience for messing around. He will admit he has no patience.
Through every test I have had it is always waiting. For a person who lacks patience this is agony. Waiting to have the next test, waiting in the lobby to see the doctor, waiting to have blood drawn, waiting for results, waiting for answers. All this waiting, waiting, waiting makes me want to scream!
"I'm extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end."
-Margaret Thatcher
And the way I want my own way is to have everything now. I want results now. I want my stomach fixed now. I want to get on with the rest of my life healthy right now. Now, now, now.
I try yoga to relax me, I try breathing techniques to calm me. I try to keep busy to keep my mind off things. None of this helps my patience.
“Patience is a remedy for every sorrow.”
Monday, May 27, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
Pouring rain
The phrase when it rains it pours is so appropiate for the last few weeks. I feel like I am a mess. The smallest issue such as being late for my son's baseball game makes me want to curl up in bed and cry my eyes out. I do not remember crying this much in the last few years as I have the last few weeks.
I would like to think that I am usually not one of those girls that cries about everything. Movies rarely make me tear up. I have a hard time crying in front of anyone except my husband. Even through the ups and downs of my mom's cancer fight I rarely have lost it. At least I think I am pretty strong. Even those magic woman hormones rarely turn me into mush.
But after the bad news about my mom's cancer spreading to the bones and my own health issues I feel my hope slipping away. My positive attitude is getting rained out. Sitting at the doctor's office this week during my latest procedure and watching my scope on the camera I felt like my last shred of hope died as I watched the images on screen. The test did not provide me with a definate answer yet but the fears that arose with it are consuming my thoughts. The anxiety about the possibilities burns deep in my gut.
I am jumping up to try to grab that tail end of hope from the hole I am in. Right now I am emotionally raw and at any moment feel like I could lose it. At the same time a part of me is saying to shut up and be strong. My husband has had to deal with my breakdowns and I feel like he can no longer see his loving wife anymore. The sadness in his eyes as he watches me become sick hurts me worse than my physical pain. I am ashamed I feel so hopeless. So many people have it so much worse than me. My life is blessed in so many ways. I should not feel like I am standing in the pouring rain waiting for the sun to break through the clouds.
I would like to think that I am usually not one of those girls that cries about everything. Movies rarely make me tear up. I have a hard time crying in front of anyone except my husband. Even through the ups and downs of my mom's cancer fight I rarely have lost it. At least I think I am pretty strong. Even those magic woman hormones rarely turn me into mush.
But after the bad news about my mom's cancer spreading to the bones and my own health issues I feel my hope slipping away. My positive attitude is getting rained out. Sitting at the doctor's office this week during my latest procedure and watching my scope on the camera I felt like my last shred of hope died as I watched the images on screen. The test did not provide me with a definate answer yet but the fears that arose with it are consuming my thoughts. The anxiety about the possibilities burns deep in my gut.
I am jumping up to try to grab that tail end of hope from the hole I am in. Right now I am emotionally raw and at any moment feel like I could lose it. At the same time a part of me is saying to shut up and be strong. My husband has had to deal with my breakdowns and I feel like he can no longer see his loving wife anymore. The sadness in his eyes as he watches me become sick hurts me worse than my physical pain. I am ashamed I feel so hopeless. So many people have it so much worse than me. My life is blessed in so many ways. I should not feel like I am standing in the pouring rain waiting for the sun to break through the clouds.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Pushing
Since last fall I have had more medical tests than I can count. Countless blood draws, x-rays, ultrasound, urine tests, fecal tests and scopes to name a few. The lab staff at my primary care doctor's office know me by sight. One caring woman even remembers which arm has a better vein and remembers that I am a vet tech. I have visited urgent care and emergency rooms. I have spent hours waiting for a ultrasound till almost 10pm. Then got up and went to work at 8am the next day. I have seen my share of doctors so far and am sure I will continue to meet more through this journey. Every doctor is different and challenging in their own way.
I started off with a primary care doctor when I first became ill. While he was caring and took my symptoms seriously he was very quick to try to just give me a prescription. I am not sure of the motivation behind this or if it is just how he practices medicine. He did acknowledge that I am in the (animal) medical field and respected my opinion. I had to push him a lot at first to do more testing. I can't count the number of pregnancy tests he gave me but I should because it will probably make me laugh.
After he referred me to my gastrointestinal doctor I finally began to get answers. Before I was diagnosed with gastroparesis he suspected I had it. During my next round of testing he made it seem like if I had it then medication would fix it. As I began medication and he talked to me more about gastroparesis I quickly learned that medication does not always help. He is still testing me and pushing for answers to why I have gastroparesis. I am extremely grateful for this. Other times he is frustrating with how long it takes to get back with test results and answers to questions.
Since I have been sick I have visited urgent care and the ER a few times which has been a frustrating, maddening experience. One doctor told me he was sorry to keep me waiting he had spent 15 minutes reading through my chart. Then he asked me what was wrong with me and why I was there. He then asked what I was at urgent care for since I was seeing a specialist. My GI doctor was concerned about some symptoms I was having and I had to tell the urgent care doctor what my GI doctor recommended. He seemed relieved that I just needed a few blood tests and a blood pressure. He even said he had never met anyone with gastroparesis and would be lost in how to treat me.
Another doctor asked me what he was supposed to do with me since I was seeing a GI doctor. At this visit on Mother's Day I was dehydrated to the point I was not urinating and had a horrible headache. When I told him I thought I was dehydrated he repeated he didn't know what to do with me since he couldn't treat the gastroparesis. I had to explain my GI doctor recommended if I became dehydrated that I needed to go in and get fluids & supportive care. I almost had to start arguing with him about it because he acted like I was wasting his time.
I do not know where I would be if I did not have a medical background. If I did not push and argue with some of the doctors to take my symptoms seriously. If I did not be a advocate for my own health. It sounds cheesy but as a patient you have to be. I have learned to be that annoying client who calls & continues to come in till I get what I wanted. And all I want is to be healthy again.
At work I joke that if I was a dog I would get better health care but the sad truth is that sometimes it is true. My turn around time on tests would have been cut in half. It would not have taken 6 months to diagnose me. I know that 6 months is not that long compared to the years other people have spent pushing for answers.
So in 2 days I am going in for another test. Waiting weeks to get in to have the tests is maddening. The anxiety I feel for what the doctor will find is tiring. But I still have to push. If I did not have a loving husband and two adorable kids I do not know if at times I would have the strength or energy to push this much. But I want to be healthy again for them.
I started off with a primary care doctor when I first became ill. While he was caring and took my symptoms seriously he was very quick to try to just give me a prescription. I am not sure of the motivation behind this or if it is just how he practices medicine. He did acknowledge that I am in the (animal) medical field and respected my opinion. I had to push him a lot at first to do more testing. I can't count the number of pregnancy tests he gave me but I should because it will probably make me laugh.
After he referred me to my gastrointestinal doctor I finally began to get answers. Before I was diagnosed with gastroparesis he suspected I had it. During my next round of testing he made it seem like if I had it then medication would fix it. As I began medication and he talked to me more about gastroparesis I quickly learned that medication does not always help. He is still testing me and pushing for answers to why I have gastroparesis. I am extremely grateful for this. Other times he is frustrating with how long it takes to get back with test results and answers to questions.
Since I have been sick I have visited urgent care and the ER a few times which has been a frustrating, maddening experience. One doctor told me he was sorry to keep me waiting he had spent 15 minutes reading through my chart. Then he asked me what was wrong with me and why I was there. He then asked what I was at urgent care for since I was seeing a specialist. My GI doctor was concerned about some symptoms I was having and I had to tell the urgent care doctor what my GI doctor recommended. He seemed relieved that I just needed a few blood tests and a blood pressure. He even said he had never met anyone with gastroparesis and would be lost in how to treat me.
Another doctor asked me what he was supposed to do with me since I was seeing a GI doctor. At this visit on Mother's Day I was dehydrated to the point I was not urinating and had a horrible headache. When I told him I thought I was dehydrated he repeated he didn't know what to do with me since he couldn't treat the gastroparesis. I had to explain my GI doctor recommended if I became dehydrated that I needed to go in and get fluids & supportive care. I almost had to start arguing with him about it because he acted like I was wasting his time.
I do not know where I would be if I did not have a medical background. If I did not push and argue with some of the doctors to take my symptoms seriously. If I did not be a advocate for my own health. It sounds cheesy but as a patient you have to be. I have learned to be that annoying client who calls & continues to come in till I get what I wanted. And all I want is to be healthy again.
At work I joke that if I was a dog I would get better health care but the sad truth is that sometimes it is true. My turn around time on tests would have been cut in half. It would not have taken 6 months to diagnose me. I know that 6 months is not that long compared to the years other people have spent pushing for answers.
So in 2 days I am going in for another test. Waiting weeks to get in to have the tests is maddening. The anxiety I feel for what the doctor will find is tiring. But I still have to push. If I did not have a loving husband and two adorable kids I do not know if at times I would have the strength or energy to push this much. But I want to be healthy again for them.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Searching
"What we find changes who we become.”
I feel like I am always searching right now. Grasping at answers and solutions takes up my time. New symptoms creates questions which demand answers. And as the quote says what we find changes who we become. I find all this change exhausting. At the same time it is inspiring. I can become the person I was meant to be. This illness will not define who I am but will enhance it. I have more patience, more empathy and at times great inner strength. During my pain and self pity I try to remember this.
"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."
So the search continues.
I feel like I am always searching right now. Grasping at answers and solutions takes up my time. New symptoms creates questions which demand answers. And as the quote says what we find changes who we become. I find all this change exhausting. At the same time it is inspiring. I can become the person I was meant to be. This illness will not define who I am but will enhance it. I have more patience, more empathy and at times great inner strength. During my pain and self pity I try to remember this.
"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."
So the search continues.
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