Pouring rain

The phrase when it rains it pours is so appropiate for the last few weeks. I feel like I am a mess. The smallest issue such as being late for my son's baseball game makes me want to curl up in bed and cry my eyes out. I do not remember crying this much in the last few years as I have the last few weeks.

I would like to think that I am usually not one of those girls that cries about everything. Movies rarely make me tear up. I have a hard time crying in front of anyone except my husband. Even through the ups and downs of my mom's cancer fight I rarely have lost it. At least I think I am pretty strong. Even those magic woman hormones rarely turn me into mush.

But after the bad news about my mom's cancer spreading to the bones and my own health issues I feel my hope slipping away. My positive attitude is getting rained out.  Sitting at the doctor's office this week during my latest procedure and watching my scope on the camera I felt like my last shred of hope died as I watched the images on screen. The test did not provide me with a definate answer yet but the fears that arose with it are consuming my thoughts. The anxiety about the possibilities burns deep in my gut.

I am jumping up to try to grab that tail end of hope from the hole I am in. Right now I am emotionally raw and at any moment feel like I could lose it. At the same time a part of me is saying to shut up and be strong. My husband has had to deal with my breakdowns and I feel like he can no longer see his loving wife anymore. The sadness in his eyes as he watches me become sick hurts me worse than my physical pain. I am ashamed I feel so hopeless. So many people have it so much worse than me. My life is blessed in so many ways. I should not feel like I am standing in the pouring rain waiting for the sun to break through the clouds.