I feel I cannot do anything right. I am probably being overdramatic but I do not care. I cannot make anyone happy even myself right now. I know this too will pass but I am so tired. No decision I make seems right. I second guess myself constantly. My decisions I make lately either disappoint the ones I love or disappoint myself or both.
I cannot be the wife I want to be for my husband. I cannot be the mother I want to be for my kids. I cannot be a good friend to others. I cannot do my job as I used to. I constantly disappoint others. I am constantly trying to keep my focus on myself so I can get better. Then I feel like a selfish bitch. I sometimes try to be normal and make stupid decisions. Sometimes it is about things that aren't even important or worth it but I make it a big deal.
I should be happy. I can eat better than I was a few months ago. I am not living on mostly liquids. But my other symptoms still suck. They come and go from day to day or minute to minute. But I do not feel happy most of the time. I am happy when I look at my beautiful, funny, amazing kids. I am happy when my husband looks at me lovingly and kisses me. I am happy when my dogs are around me. I should be happy all the time. I am blessed. I am not dying. My mom is fighting for her life with cancer and she has been so strong through it. I should be happy I keep telling myself.
I feel so needy, so emotional, so weepy, so crabby. I could go on and on. I feel like at times it would be better if I just checked myself into the mental ward. At least they could fix my emotional issues. Maybe they could teach me how to deal with being sick and feeling alone at times even when surrounded by a multitude of loving supportive family and friends. I do not know what I need any more except for these health issues to go away. I thought I had come to terms and accepted my new "normal". I guess I have not. The slightest little issue makes me want to sob. I hate that. I want to be left alone but I also just want my husband to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. Conflict of emotions.
I am going to say that this is just a bad day. I need to get my shit together and quit feeling sorry for myself. I am emotionally slapping myself and saying snap out of it. I hate being a fucking emotional mess. Today I am just going to say fuck this day and go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day right?
Everyday is going to be different hun! Feeling sick most of the time sucks! Especially when you can't get answers or relief! There are days I get really depressed(and I've never had a problem with it before). I read a lot of the posts from other GP'ers & I know that mine is nowhere near as bad. I just keep telling myself that & try to keep a positive outlook. Better to laugh than cry right?! Hell, I went through an 8 hour surgery to fix the malrotation; hoping that it would resolve my issues... It hasn't darn it all! But, the look on my drs face when I come back in months later is priceless lol! He actually stated that he was boggled lol! So, starting from scratch & the conundrum continues! All we can hope & pray for is they find a reason & a cure! Or least a remedy that works without all the nasty side effects! You are in my thoughts & prayers! And you do have the right to feel sorry for yourself! Other people are going to have health issues too. Some worse like cancer...but at least they have the comfort of greater medical knowledge to fight what ails them. We have a mystery disease, with a life sentence & no one remedy that can fix it.
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