Going to the doctor makes me crabby. I get crabby even thinking about it. I hate sitting there waiting by myself. But I do not want anyone there with me. I do not want anyone else besides my husband to see me at my weakest and hear everything that is wrong with me. I want him there but I do not want him to take off work. I tell myself if I have to have something major done like surgery then he can take off to be there.
First you go in and have to explain all your symptoms to the nurse first. I don't even know which symptoms to explain. Just my new ones or all of them? Then there are some symtoms that are intermittent. Do I really need to go over all of it again and then it also depends on which doctor I am seeing. Then the doctor comes in and I explain all over again. Then when I am unsure how long which symptom has been going on for they look at me like I am dumb or crazy. Or both. I have been sick for so long I feel like it all blurs together. How do you explain that to someone who is healthy. Before I became sick I would not have understood. Just getting through a day without falling apart is sometimes hard enough.
My primary care doctor doesn't even need to review my chart much because he has gotten to know me so well. He even knows I am sarcastic and a smartass. So he frequently cracks the right dry humor jokes to make me laugh. He is caring even if he is a little reserved. Lately he tells me how sorry he is that I am so sick and questions whether I should be working full time still. I appreciate his concern but it makes me want to start laughing hysterically and ask him how else does he think he will get paid for all my visits. Seeing the pity in his eyes make me want to have a breakdown. I do not want to be a sick person. I do not want to be viewed as just that. It makes me want to scream because I want the old me back.
As he reviews my labwork to see if there is anything else he can test me for while I am waiting to get in to the neurologist I again want to laugh hysterically when he says I have had full bloodwork done. I am examined and my painful abdomen is gently palpated. Even though it is gentle it makes me clench my jaw. We discuss nest steps and I can tell he is as frustrated as I am by the lack of findings on my tests. Everything so far is normal except my stomach doesn't digest food properly. Normal range and no significant findings are dirty phrases in my vocabulary.
Then once again I will have to have blood drawn. The lab staff knows me by now and usually my blood draw is quick and almost painless. If I have to have other tests run I spend time in the office or on the phone when I get home scheduling it. Always having to wait. A few weeks is typical. This time I can't get in to see the neurologist for 2 months.
I leave always feeling frustrated and upset. Anxious they will never find out what it wrong with me but also anxious that I might not like the answer I get. With a medical background I know what they are testing for most of the time. This is a blessing and a curse. A few times I know the test is for cancer or a debilitating disease and then my anxiety runs high until the results come back.
I do not want to go to the doctor again. No more tests, no more exams, nothing. I want to mentally fling myself on the ground and refuse to move. But I know that this is an impossible thought. I will never find out what is wrong with me if I do not go to the doctor. I never used to understand why people stressed out about going to the doctor. I now know it have nothing to do with the actual doctor visit. It has everything to do with my anxiety and fears of the unknown.
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