Letting go is hard to do

I am stubborn. I can hear my husband laughing loudly as he reads this. He has known this for years. I have finally come to terms with it myself. My stubborness has not allowed me to admit to myself that I am stubborn. If that makes any sense. My tenacious attitude has led me to hang on to things way past the point I should have let go.

Letting go is hard to do. I have had to let go of much in life. That is part of being human. We let go of bad relationships, friendships and jobs. We let our loved ones go when it is their time. But I have always struggled with it. Especially since I have become sick. I have had to let go of time with friends, fun events, visiting family and most importantly myself. I have had to let go of parts of myself. Pieces of myself fall away and I have been desperately trying to pick them up. Recently I realized that I cannot do this. I cannot view myself as Humpty Dumpty who fell off the wall into pieces.

Instead I try to watch my pieces fall and look for the new shiny, raw piece of myself underneath. I have to let go. Sounds so simple, so easy but it is not. Breathe deep. Let go.

The one thing I have decided to let go of recently is a big lie I have been telling myself. I have been telling myself that I am not getting worse. My stubborn nature had dug its heels in and I refused to believe that my health is worse. That every new symptom that pops up is not a big deal. Let go of this lie. I am getting worse. I spent Mother's Day in urgent care receiving IV fluids and sleeping on the couch. Less than a month later I am rushed to the ER with chest pain and shortness of breath. A night in the hospital and many tests later I still have no answers.

I do not want to get worse. I do not want to spend more nights in the hospital with my husband's sad eyes watching me. I do not want to be a "sick" person. I do not want to miss more baseball games and zoo trips with my kids because I am bent over a toliet. I do not want to seek second opinions and travel to Mayo. But I am getting worse. So I must let go and accept it. I am hoping this quote will become true.

“Last night I lost the world, and gained the universe.”
― C. JoyBell C.

Hopefully if I let go and lose my world I will gain the universe. Cheers to letting go.