Rambling

I sat down and made a list of my symptoms. A real list of every little thing I feel and have. Since I have decided to not lie to myself anymore my list is true. The truth hurts right. The list takes up over half of a page of notebook paper. The length of this list scares me.

I no longer can remember when some of the symptoms started or how frequent they occur. I wonder if that is a symptom. My forgetfullness. Some days seem blurry, almost foggy. The details of how the day went or what happened are just out of reach of my memory. Like a hazy childhood memory. Could that be a symptom or is it a result of my malnutrition and/or fatigue? Then I wonder does it even matter. It occurs therefore it is.

Part of me wonders if I am crazy. If craziness and anxiety are causing all these symptoms. Maybe I just need a shrink or a padded room. Some anti-depressants & a Xanax. But the rational part of me slams a door on this theory. The rational tells me that a whole lot of crazy can cause a whole lot of physical problems with a body but it cannot cause some of my symptoms. I do not believe it can cause my stomach to not work properly, cause extreme muscle cramps, cause numbness/tingling/weakness in my legs, cause my muscles to twitch & shake at times. To cause my heart to race at odd times and become dizzy. So I push those thoughts of craziness away. But I wonder if this illness will cause me to lose my sanity.

I want to be better. Better with my health of course. But also a better friend, wife, mother, daughter, etc. I could go on and on. I feel like I have grown emotionally & mentally so much since I have been sick but my body is holding me back. I look at my husband and kids and want to do so much more for them. I feel like I constantly fail every day. Hearing my daughter ask why mommy always has to get sick on fun days broke my heart.

My emotions go up and down so much sometimes. One day I feel so positive about life and I roll with the punches. The next I feel so drained emotionally. I want to curl in bed and just sleep it away. Then the next I am so angry at everything. Bitterness makes me bite my tongue.

So I am going in this week to see my doctor and get a referral to a neurologist. I am trying to be hopeful that this time I will get answers. But I am tired of having my hopes broken with every "normal" test I have had.